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Cycles

Rain falls, flowers grow, flowers release seeds, seeds fall and plant, rain falls, those seeds grow,  LIFE GOES ON.

I slip up, I get frustrated, I get pissed, I get sad, I get confused, I get emotional, I get better, I DO IT AGAIN.

Why must I think life is about ending this cycle?

MY LAST POST had something to do with the questioning of refinement, and here right before my eyes, a foundational truth since before birth, shows that the cycle of life is a good enough refinement. 

All I have to do is live life, and I'm bound to be refined. 

God. 

_____

Tonight, I feel strange…

I feel myself drifting, to a place I can’t explain, to  a place distant; a place where I only go when things are awry.  Life in prior times has been altered, and life in present times has been something I fight.

 

I once was told I was going to ‘be somebody’. I hate that.

I want to blend in in a cultural sense. Although my quirky demeanor may cause people to look at me funny, and my often mis-matched clothes may draw attention, I do not want to stand out in areas of character; of my integrity, my work ethic, my self-ish/less attitude.

I want to be like everyone else, because when you’re like everyone else, nobody will hold you responsible for more than an average amount of work, or amount of thanks, or blame, etc.

I long to be like everyone else, because a self-rejecting part of me tells me I’m nobody, and because a part of me, often called common sense (although personally despised) tells me I won’t have to do as much, or deal with as much if I’m just another ordinary Joe.

 

Some may promptly right me off, by saying that with the acknowledgment of Christ’s death on the cross, and his latter resurrection I am not ordinary, I am enlightened, or blessed, or whatever other prescription Christian lingo you can think of- as if calling you Christian is a prescription for some inexplicable yet so easily deniable need to be different/special/personal.  But the acknowledgment of Christ’s divine love for me gives me little more than an opportunity to learn more or to brag of my recognition of His sacrifice.

 

In order to actually be someone different, I have to become soluble with the person(s) of Christ. I have to let Him move me and mold me and melt me. I have to become nothing short of fully saturated in His love, and in His longing for me to grow through the ever so uncomfortable process of being refined.

 

I don’t want to be refined. I don’t want to melt. To mold. To be moved. I don’t want to be affected by something so often described as all powerful, all knowing, all existing,  and all everything. That whole idea, of God being everything, scares me. I don’t like it. Maybe if I was living a purer life, I would love it, but as I am not at one of my finer times in life, I hate it. 

 

I know that there are few if any things more wonderful than laying prostrate before the God of everything expressing love and gratitude with an innocent and holy heart first hand, yet I also know how incredibly terrible it is to do that without the innocence and holiness one should bring with him when worshiping Christ.

 

I ask for forgiveness but surely words can’t clean my mind, my heart, my soul.  

Ramblings

I have become some strange compilation of artist, author, entrepreneur, economist, and socialist recently. 

With my 'free schedule' I have been reading the New York Times, and The Boston Globe as well as Kiplingers Personal Finance, The Economist, and Entrepreneur magazines. I feel the most cognoscente I ever have regarding foreign affairs, the economy, and the most broadcasted presidential election.

With this time to fill as I see fit, there is room for cognitive expansion, and for cerebral atrophy. 

Politics are figments of government. 

Loneliness

So it starts. Friends have left. Family has gone back to work and routine life.
I sit at my desk. Waiting for calls about jobs, waiting for work to arise, waiting for travel plans to present themselves because I am too overwhelmed to create them.

As life is about creating and not searching so shall my year be. One of creation, not of a familiar stagnation.

I have been less than admirable in the context of God.
Admirable in the context of working hard.
Confused in the context of staying Focused.

To relax I drink Yogi Teas and listen to Joana Neuson.
To stay at peace with life, I work out.
To not explode with frustration from living with my family, I serve them.
To stay close to friends, I call them.
To grow with my relationship with God, I Put my Bible on my bookshelf...?

I do things so right so often, but without the main component and creator of life;God.
I believe that nothing is complete unless it involves God, so is all the hard work I'm doing really good? Or really admirable if I do it out of selfish ambition?
Who knows.


Time to order 'hole in the wall chinese' with pete.

Gap Year

After much deliberation and cognitive constipation I decided to take a gap year- a year to work, travel, do whatever, or do nothing at all.

Wish me luck.

Texting queen. Only seventeen.

"I think God speaks in a method like text messaging.He sends us messages and sometimes they get lost in the airwaves,And sometimes they get opened and never readSometimes they get read and never thought aboutAnd sometimes He sends them from a number we don’t recognize, so we ignore them.How we understand those messages is by opening the phone, going into the inbox and reading through the messages we haven’t read before.We must search for the reason or purpose in the message.We can’t disregard any message because that might be the one that has the words we need to hear.We need to take every word for what it says at face value, and then at a deeper level.It is time for us to start purposely searching for what he is sayingHe is god and he has a good heart to help His childrenIt is foolish to think he wouldn’t make himself available to us"-Me

My path is not a creation of my cognition, but a reflection of a revelation

If I could make cheesecake, it's what I'd do

I'd move about in my bathrobe, and my fluffy slippers



I'd make cheesecake and chocolate moose for you

I'd boil hot water for tea, and be that coffee shop sipper.



Together, we'd open books and read in cozy coffee shop nooks

Maybe discuss what we started earlier on the bus



Something of violence, anger, and hate

Things that make us utterly Irate.



We'd inhale our cake, be drunk with tea

Run into the streets, search for harmony



Our families would try to hold us back

Keep us safe

But it'd be in vain, we're on the right track



Our paths aren't a creation of human cognition

But a reflection of a divine revelation



Where we go from here is not clear

In who we follow, we will not wallow.



We will find peace in another galaxy

One of things more... Heavenly.

We'll take the excitement of deserts drawn upon peoples faces,

To the streets of isolated and unknown places

We will forget where were going when writing poems

And settle to be warm, comfortable, and cozy in our two story homes.





Complacency>

Dreams >

Visions>

Self Indulgence>

Laziness>

< EYES FOCUSED, and HEARTS STEADFAST ON _____. >

Confusion>

Discouragement>

Purpose>

Creativity>

Self Sacrifice>

Notes from Facebook

There are big decisions in my near future, same with every other high school senior, and with anyone else looking for a change of environment. With faith in Christ, we (the collective bunch of seniors, and "sick-of-where-we-are's") know we can't make all these decisions, and correctly, if you will, on our own and through our own strength. We need divine inspiration and guidance to take the right steps in our lives, but how long do we wait to completely rely on Christ to pull through?All my pastors have at one point or another, in that one sermon which wouldn't quite fill the one hour quota they had for preaching, and therefore recluded back into talking about how Christians need go half way with something and then need wait for Christ to come the other half of that something. I do believe there is truth in people doing their part before relying on God 100%, but at what point is 'half way'?I am attempting to plan this next academic year (08-09) and I would most enjoy taking a year off to travel, to learn about myself, and to draw closer to God, but there are lots of details that must be cleared up before anything happens, and I was pondering, last night with my herbal tea, if maybe I've done enough researching, planning, and thinking, and that from this point on I just trust God to make known the way to go. I know that if I do "take my hands off and release, release" I still need to be spending tons of time in prayer and in connection with my Father so I can hear what He has to say or else I'll be wasting my time, and getting nowhere.The point I'm getting at, yes it took a while-forgive me, is that I don't know how to live my life as I have been, and live this 'spiritual faith walk' so often referred to in my Jr. High youth groups. Living the spiritual faith walk means I reject more common sense than may be healthy (Maybe more than be comfortable but I would err on the side of saying it's unhealthy before uncomfortable), but using solely common sense ensures disaster, so I am praying that a way to incorporate my common sense, and my gut instincts into the spiritual journey that I'm traveling is revealed to me.Working with trust is foreign.It's like working with air. How the heck do you do that at first exposure to it? Only after time and practice trusting, do we understand when we take our hands off and "release, release"Until that point of familiarity with the Holy Spirit, I believe that we must make decisions based on the information we have, and the gut feelings we have, and stick too them through the good and bad, and keep pursuing God through it so that even if we did make a bad turn back along the path, we can make it right by God's grace and mercy. So I am going to make a decision soon, and am going to stick to my decision and will keep listening to what God has to say about my decision and keep seeking further guidance and direction. Bid me a good journey. And pray.
5/28/08

"I think God speaks in a method like text messaging.
He sends us messages and sometimes they get lost in the airwaves,
And sometimes they get opened and never read
Sometimes they get read and never thought about
And sometimes He sends them from a number we don’t recognize, so we ignore them.
How we understand those messages is by opening the phone,
going into the inbox and reading through the messages we haven’t read before.
We must search for the reason or purpose in the message.
We can’t disregard any message because that might be the one
that has the words we need to hear.
We need to take every word for what it says at face value,
and then at a deeper level.
It is time for us to start purposely searching for what he is saying
He is god and he has a good heart to help His children
It is foolish to think he wouldn’t make himself available to us"-Me
5/17/08

"Our most intimate conversations can only be with God. For withpeople we must translate our thoughts into languages of the bodyand spoken word. But God hears our thoughts in unfiltered purityat the very moment we ourselves think them. He responds to oursouls in a language more native, more intimate and pure thaneven our dreams could manufacture." -Psalters
5/17/08


It's 11:06. I am attempting-failing- to do my homework. I keep drifting off into my idea of my future, and when you're in the future, you aren't functioning in the present.My boy Raf said to make motivational food, maybe using icing that writes positive messages which reaffirm my attempts to succeed in focusing. Instead I lied down in my bed, threw in some Rage and decided to invest in my well being before I fall prey to my notebooks. Again. Maybe, just maybe, I will reclude into my desk chair and read some more "The Death of Ivan Ilych", which need be finished and written about by Friday. Maybe I will continue to Facbook Chat Jess Ward and not get any work done, and be completely fine with it.Maybe I'll go back to reading "The Great Divorce"I've just recently decided, although have long prior contemplated, that I am better off, spending my time at home reading novels, listening to podcasts, and engaging in critical thinking, and philosophical discussions with those wiser, older, and more experienced than I, than I am in school where kids rise against the powers that be, fall below the administration radar, disappear to hte left and right of the central current of high school culture, and where nobody is ever held accountable for their actions.
5/13/08

Priorities

So I learned something over the past few days; school is not my calling in life, nor family, nor friends, work, or my social standing or social life. Serving Christ with my heart, soul, and body is what I WANT and am called to do.

I know I'm where I am (school, work, and other 'restrictions') for good reason, after all Jesus had to go to school, and since he was fully human, I can't imagine that he enjoyed it either. It's preperation for where God would have me in the future. For the places He will lead me, and for the people He will connect me with. As hard as it is for me to do my work now, as I am exploding with a fiery passion to make a difference in this decrepyt world, I know that I need a basis from which to teach, to learn, and to live as Christ did.

I know God is calling me to love, and to serve those who do not get either; love nor service. I know He has given me a compassionate and self sacrificial heart, I just need the patience to wait for the specific commission to take me to the places I daily dream of, yet can't explain.

Through my past experiences in life, I have, through God's grace, attained a new level of peace within the chaos I dwell, and I will wait upon the Lord to direct me, and to give me a new heading so that I may do what I originally set out to do. Until then I will fight for peace between peoples, and will advocate for social justice, and change my surroundings by the alteration of my heart and mind through the renewing of the Holy Spirit.

We will see where God leads me, and I will be grateful for wherever that is.

Fall '08

College/work/travel/intern/chillout-These are my options
What to choose, I don't know, but I am curious.

Africa '09-maybe.
Chile '09-possibly.
Sweden '09-Probably.

I plan on studying Sociology so I can understand the functionality of a society, so I may in time transform it, through the transformation of myself, my family, and my friends. I plan on pursuing a Law degree to enable myself as an advocate for social injustice, yet long to be knowlegable with medicine and healing, and therefore have interest in Medical School somewhere.
I have many interests and many 'under-the-surface' talents, that I wish to see brought to fruition. I believe these are all God given, and God directed and I know that as long as I do my best to serve Christ, as my Lord, and as my Brother/Neighbor/Co-Worker He will be faithful to lead me to where He wants me, and to where I'll be able to best serve, love, and unify peoples.

Nelson Mandela: Quotes and Biography

I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear. Nelson Mandela

There can be no keener revelation of a society's soul than the way in which it treats its children. Nelson Mandela

There is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living. Nelson Mandela

For to be free is not merely to cast off one's chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others. Nelson Mandela

Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world. Nelson Mandela

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. Nelson Mandela

All Nelson Mandela Quotes from: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/n/nelson_mandela.html

"Mandela's words, "The struggle is my life," are not to be taken lightly.
Nelson Mandela personifies struggle. He is still leading the fight against apartheid with extraordinary vigour and resilience after spending nearly three decades of his life behind bars. He has sacrificed his private life and his youth for his people, and remains South Africa's best known and loved hero.
Mandela has held numerous positions in the ANC: ANCYL secretary (1948); ANCYL president (1950); ANC Transvaal president (1952); deputy national president (1952) and ANC president (1991).
He was born at Qunu, near Umtata on 18 July 1918.
His father, Henry Mgadla Mandela, was chief councillor to Thembuland's acting paramount chief David Dalindyebo. When his father died, Mandela became the chief's ward and was groomed for the chieftainship.
Mandela matriculated at Healdtown Methodist Boarding School and then started a BA degree at Fort Hare. As an SRC member he participated in a student strike and was expelled, along with the late Oliver Tambo, in 1940. He completed his degree by correspondence from Johannesburg, did articles of clerkship and enrolled for an LLB at the University of the Witwatersrand.
In 1944 he helped found the ANC Youth League, whose Programme of Action was adopted by the ANC in 1949.
Mandela was elected national volunteer-in-chief of the 1952 Defiance Campaign. He travelled the country organising resistance to discriminatory legislation.
He was given a suspended sentence for his part in the campaign. Shortly afterwards a banning order confined him to Johannesburg for six months. During this period he formulated the "M Plan", in terms of which ANC branches were broken down into underground cells.
By 1952 Mandela and Tambo had opened the first black legal firm in the country, and Mandela was both Transvaal president of the ANC and deputy national president.
A petition by the Transvaal Law Society to strike Mandela off the roll of attorneys was refused by the Supreme Court.
In the 'fifties, after being forced through constant bannings to resign officially from the ANC, Mandela analysed the Bantustan policy as a political swindle. He predicted mass removals, political persecutions and police terror.
For the second half of the 'fifties, he was one of the accused in the Treason Trial. With Duma Nokwe, he conducted the defence.
When the ANC was banned after the Sharpeville massacre in 1960, he was detained until 1961 when he went underground to lead a campaign for a new national convention.
Umkhonto we Sizwe (MK), the military wing of the ANC, was born the same year. Under his leadership it launched a campaign of sabotage against government and economic installations.
In 1962 Mandela left the country for military training in Algeria and to arrange training for other MK members.
On his return he was arrested for leaving the country illegally and for incitement to strike. He conducted his own defence. He was convicted and jailed for five years in November 1962. While serving his sentence, he was charged, in the Rivonia trial, with sabotage and sentenced to life imprisonment.
A decade before being imprisoned, Mandela had spoken out against the introduction of Bantu Education, recommending that community activists "make every home, every shack or rickety structure a centre of learning".
Robben Island, where he was imprisoned, became a centre for learning, and Mandela was a central figure in the organised political education classes.
In prison Mandela never compromised his political principles and was always a source of strength for the other prisoners.
During the 'seventies he refused the offer of a remission of sentence if he recognised Transkei and settled there.
In the 'eighties he again rejected PW Botha's offer of freedom if he renounced violence.
It is significant that shortly after his release on Sunday 11 February 1990, Mandela and his delegation agreed to the suspension of armed struggle.
Mandela has honorary degrees from more than 50 international universities and is chancellor of the University of the North.
He was inaugurated as the first democratically elected State President of South Africa on 10 May 1994 - June 1999
Nelson Mandela retired from Public life in June 1999. He currently resides in his birth place - Qunu, Transkei." -http://www.anc.org.za/people/mandela.html