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Tonight, I feel strange…

I feel myself drifting, to a place I can’t explain, to  a place distant; a place where I only go when things are awry.  Life in prior times has been altered, and life in present times has been something I fight.

 

I once was told I was going to ‘be somebody’. I hate that.

I want to blend in in a cultural sense. Although my quirky demeanor may cause people to look at me funny, and my often mis-matched clothes may draw attention, I do not want to stand out in areas of character; of my integrity, my work ethic, my self-ish/less attitude.

I want to be like everyone else, because when you’re like everyone else, nobody will hold you responsible for more than an average amount of work, or amount of thanks, or blame, etc.

I long to be like everyone else, because a self-rejecting part of me tells me I’m nobody, and because a part of me, often called common sense (although personally despised) tells me I won’t have to do as much, or deal with as much if I’m just another ordinary Joe.

 

Some may promptly right me off, by saying that with the acknowledgment of Christ’s death on the cross, and his latter resurrection I am not ordinary, I am enlightened, or blessed, or whatever other prescription Christian lingo you can think of- as if calling you Christian is a prescription for some inexplicable yet so easily deniable need to be different/special/personal.  But the acknowledgment of Christ’s divine love for me gives me little more than an opportunity to learn more or to brag of my recognition of His sacrifice.

 

In order to actually be someone different, I have to become soluble with the person(s) of Christ. I have to let Him move me and mold me and melt me. I have to become nothing short of fully saturated in His love, and in His longing for me to grow through the ever so uncomfortable process of being refined.

 

I don’t want to be refined. I don’t want to melt. To mold. To be moved. I don’t want to be affected by something so often described as all powerful, all knowing, all existing,  and all everything. That whole idea, of God being everything, scares me. I don’t like it. Maybe if I was living a purer life, I would love it, but as I am not at one of my finer times in life, I hate it. 

 

I know that there are few if any things more wonderful than laying prostrate before the God of everything expressing love and gratitude with an innocent and holy heart first hand, yet I also know how incredibly terrible it is to do that without the innocence and holiness one should bring with him when worshiping Christ.

 

I ask for forgiveness but surely words can’t clean my mind, my heart, my soul.