Loneliness

So it starts. Friends have left. Family has gone back to work and routine life.
I sit at my desk. Waiting for calls about jobs, waiting for work to arise, waiting for travel plans to present themselves because I am too overwhelmed to create them.

As life is about creating and not searching so shall my year be. One of creation, not of a familiar stagnation.

I have been less than admirable in the context of God.
Admirable in the context of working hard.
Confused in the context of staying Focused.

To relax I drink Yogi Teas and listen to Joana Neuson.
To stay at peace with life, I work out.
To not explode with frustration from living with my family, I serve them.
To stay close to friends, I call them.
To grow with my relationship with God, I Put my Bible on my bookshelf...?

I do things so right so often, but without the main component and creator of life;God.
I believe that nothing is complete unless it involves God, so is all the hard work I'm doing really good? Or really admirable if I do it out of selfish ambition?
Who knows.


Time to order 'hole in the wall chinese' with pete.

Gap Year

After much deliberation and cognitive constipation I decided to take a gap year- a year to work, travel, do whatever, or do nothing at all.

Wish me luck.

Texting queen. Only seventeen.

"I think God speaks in a method like text messaging.He sends us messages and sometimes they get lost in the airwaves,And sometimes they get opened and never readSometimes they get read and never thought aboutAnd sometimes He sends them from a number we don’t recognize, so we ignore them.How we understand those messages is by opening the phone, going into the inbox and reading through the messages we haven’t read before.We must search for the reason or purpose in the message.We can’t disregard any message because that might be the one that has the words we need to hear.We need to take every word for what it says at face value, and then at a deeper level.It is time for us to start purposely searching for what he is sayingHe is god and he has a good heart to help His childrenIt is foolish to think he wouldn’t make himself available to us"-Me

My path is not a creation of my cognition, but a reflection of a revelation

If I could make cheesecake, it's what I'd do

I'd move about in my bathrobe, and my fluffy slippers



I'd make cheesecake and chocolate moose for you

I'd boil hot water for tea, and be that coffee shop sipper.



Together, we'd open books and read in cozy coffee shop nooks

Maybe discuss what we started earlier on the bus



Something of violence, anger, and hate

Things that make us utterly Irate.



We'd inhale our cake, be drunk with tea

Run into the streets, search for harmony



Our families would try to hold us back

Keep us safe

But it'd be in vain, we're on the right track



Our paths aren't a creation of human cognition

But a reflection of a divine revelation



Where we go from here is not clear

In who we follow, we will not wallow.



We will find peace in another galaxy

One of things more... Heavenly.

We'll take the excitement of deserts drawn upon peoples faces,

To the streets of isolated and unknown places

We will forget where were going when writing poems

And settle to be warm, comfortable, and cozy in our two story homes.





Complacency>

Dreams >

Visions>

Self Indulgence>

Laziness>

< EYES FOCUSED, and HEARTS STEADFAST ON _____. >

Confusion>

Discouragement>

Purpose>

Creativity>

Self Sacrifice>

Notes from Facebook

There are big decisions in my near future, same with every other high school senior, and with anyone else looking for a change of environment. With faith in Christ, we (the collective bunch of seniors, and "sick-of-where-we-are's") know we can't make all these decisions, and correctly, if you will, on our own and through our own strength. We need divine inspiration and guidance to take the right steps in our lives, but how long do we wait to completely rely on Christ to pull through?All my pastors have at one point or another, in that one sermon which wouldn't quite fill the one hour quota they had for preaching, and therefore recluded back into talking about how Christians need go half way with something and then need wait for Christ to come the other half of that something. I do believe there is truth in people doing their part before relying on God 100%, but at what point is 'half way'?I am attempting to plan this next academic year (08-09) and I would most enjoy taking a year off to travel, to learn about myself, and to draw closer to God, but there are lots of details that must be cleared up before anything happens, and I was pondering, last night with my herbal tea, if maybe I've done enough researching, planning, and thinking, and that from this point on I just trust God to make known the way to go. I know that if I do "take my hands off and release, release" I still need to be spending tons of time in prayer and in connection with my Father so I can hear what He has to say or else I'll be wasting my time, and getting nowhere.The point I'm getting at, yes it took a while-forgive me, is that I don't know how to live my life as I have been, and live this 'spiritual faith walk' so often referred to in my Jr. High youth groups. Living the spiritual faith walk means I reject more common sense than may be healthy (Maybe more than be comfortable but I would err on the side of saying it's unhealthy before uncomfortable), but using solely common sense ensures disaster, so I am praying that a way to incorporate my common sense, and my gut instincts into the spiritual journey that I'm traveling is revealed to me.Working with trust is foreign.It's like working with air. How the heck do you do that at first exposure to it? Only after time and practice trusting, do we understand when we take our hands off and "release, release"Until that point of familiarity with the Holy Spirit, I believe that we must make decisions based on the information we have, and the gut feelings we have, and stick too them through the good and bad, and keep pursuing God through it so that even if we did make a bad turn back along the path, we can make it right by God's grace and mercy. So I am going to make a decision soon, and am going to stick to my decision and will keep listening to what God has to say about my decision and keep seeking further guidance and direction. Bid me a good journey. And pray.
5/28/08

"I think God speaks in a method like text messaging.
He sends us messages and sometimes they get lost in the airwaves,
And sometimes they get opened and never read
Sometimes they get read and never thought about
And sometimes He sends them from a number we don’t recognize, so we ignore them.
How we understand those messages is by opening the phone,
going into the inbox and reading through the messages we haven’t read before.
We must search for the reason or purpose in the message.
We can’t disregard any message because that might be the one
that has the words we need to hear.
We need to take every word for what it says at face value,
and then at a deeper level.
It is time for us to start purposely searching for what he is saying
He is god and he has a good heart to help His children
It is foolish to think he wouldn’t make himself available to us"-Me
5/17/08

"Our most intimate conversations can only be with God. For withpeople we must translate our thoughts into languages of the bodyand spoken word. But God hears our thoughts in unfiltered purityat the very moment we ourselves think them. He responds to oursouls in a language more native, more intimate and pure thaneven our dreams could manufacture." -Psalters
5/17/08


It's 11:06. I am attempting-failing- to do my homework. I keep drifting off into my idea of my future, and when you're in the future, you aren't functioning in the present.My boy Raf said to make motivational food, maybe using icing that writes positive messages which reaffirm my attempts to succeed in focusing. Instead I lied down in my bed, threw in some Rage and decided to invest in my well being before I fall prey to my notebooks. Again. Maybe, just maybe, I will reclude into my desk chair and read some more "The Death of Ivan Ilych", which need be finished and written about by Friday. Maybe I will continue to Facbook Chat Jess Ward and not get any work done, and be completely fine with it.Maybe I'll go back to reading "The Great Divorce"I've just recently decided, although have long prior contemplated, that I am better off, spending my time at home reading novels, listening to podcasts, and engaging in critical thinking, and philosophical discussions with those wiser, older, and more experienced than I, than I am in school where kids rise against the powers that be, fall below the administration radar, disappear to hte left and right of the central current of high school culture, and where nobody is ever held accountable for their actions.
5/13/08

Priorities

So I learned something over the past few days; school is not my calling in life, nor family, nor friends, work, or my social standing or social life. Serving Christ with my heart, soul, and body is what I WANT and am called to do.

I know I'm where I am (school, work, and other 'restrictions') for good reason, after all Jesus had to go to school, and since he was fully human, I can't imagine that he enjoyed it either. It's preperation for where God would have me in the future. For the places He will lead me, and for the people He will connect me with. As hard as it is for me to do my work now, as I am exploding with a fiery passion to make a difference in this decrepyt world, I know that I need a basis from which to teach, to learn, and to live as Christ did.

I know God is calling me to love, and to serve those who do not get either; love nor service. I know He has given me a compassionate and self sacrificial heart, I just need the patience to wait for the specific commission to take me to the places I daily dream of, yet can't explain.

Through my past experiences in life, I have, through God's grace, attained a new level of peace within the chaos I dwell, and I will wait upon the Lord to direct me, and to give me a new heading so that I may do what I originally set out to do. Until then I will fight for peace between peoples, and will advocate for social justice, and change my surroundings by the alteration of my heart and mind through the renewing of the Holy Spirit.

We will see where God leads me, and I will be grateful for wherever that is.

Fall '08

College/work/travel/intern/chillout-These are my options
What to choose, I don't know, but I am curious.

Africa '09-maybe.
Chile '09-possibly.
Sweden '09-Probably.

I plan on studying Sociology so I can understand the functionality of a society, so I may in time transform it, through the transformation of myself, my family, and my friends. I plan on pursuing a Law degree to enable myself as an advocate for social injustice, yet long to be knowlegable with medicine and healing, and therefore have interest in Medical School somewhere.
I have many interests and many 'under-the-surface' talents, that I wish to see brought to fruition. I believe these are all God given, and God directed and I know that as long as I do my best to serve Christ, as my Lord, and as my Brother/Neighbor/Co-Worker He will be faithful to lead me to where He wants me, and to where I'll be able to best serve, love, and unify peoples.